On your first match call, ask about communication, appointments, privacy, how plans change, and the relationship you both hope for after birth. You can start by getting to know one another, then spend time on the things that matter to you. I’m Vivi at LittleBee. Think about what would fit around your work, school pickup and the photos of your children that you want to keep private. Leave room for them to share what they hope for, too.
Which five questions should I ask first?
Start with five questions about contact, appointments, changes, privacy and the relationship you both hope for after birth.
You can talk about your families and what brought you to surrogacy before opening your notes. You don’t have to make the conversation sound like an interview. I’d keep the questions somewhere easy to glance at, so you can listen instead of worrying about what to ask next.
- How often would you like us to communicate? Listen for what a normal week would look like, including weeks when there’s no appointment or news. The frequency and preferred format of contact are worth discussing together1.
- Which appointments would you most like to attend? This helps you hear which moments matter most to them before calendars fill up. You can share which visits you’d feel comfortable having company at.
- What do you usually do when plans change? Their answer can tell you more than “we’re easygoing.” Listen for how they talk things through when someone is disappointed or worried.
- What do you mean by keeping things private? Find out what they hope to share with relatives or online. Tell them which parts of your own family life you want to keep private.
- What relationship would you hope for after birth? They may hope for occasional updates or a closer friendship. Share what feels comfortable to you, even if you don’t yet know exactly what you’ll want.
There isn’t one right amount of closeness for every surrogate and intended-parent relationship2. I’d listen for whether your hopes can fit together, rather than whether their answers sound impressive. Warm conversation can matter without answering every practical question.
Let them ask about you, too. If one answer needs more time, make a note and return to it. “Anything important we haven’t covered?” works as a closing line, after you’ve both had room to speak.
What does “we’re flexible” mean for communication and privacy?
Turn “we’re flexible” into an ordinary situation you can both picture: a visit that needs rescheduling, an appointment they cannot attend or a photo someone wants to share.
For example, you might say, “If you text while I’m getting the kids ready for bed, I’d usually answer the next morning. Would that work for you?” Give them space to say what they were imagining. If a visit moves to a day you work, explain who could help with pickup. If they miss the visit, talk about how they would hear the update. Discussing contact, participation in the pregnancy and privacy before treatment helps bring those expectations into the open1.
Camila remembers one phrase from her first conversation with the intended parents: they wanted to be “very involved.” With two children, a job and a busy schedule, she asked, “What does very involved mean to you?” They hoped to attend many appointments, receive regular photos and stay in close contact. Camila was comfortable sharing major milestones, but did not want every routine appointment to become a family event. She also wanted her children’s photos kept offline. After pausing and asking what would make her comfortable, the intended parents agreed to keep medical communication in a shared group chat and her children’s photos private.
Camila’s question gave them something specific to work with. I would use this table as notes for a conversation, with room for both answers. The contact routine needs to feel right to both of you2.
| Detail to talk through | What would work for me / what do you hope for? |
|---|---|
| How we contact each other | Text, shared chat or planned calls? Which fits our days? |
| Routine replies | When can I usually answer around work and my kids? What do you expect? |
| Something urgent | What needs a call? Who else should hear? Call the care team with urgent medical concerns. |
| Medical updates | Who belongs in the shared chat? How will someone who misses a visit hear the update? |
| Everyday updates | What would we like to share between visits, and how often? |
| Photos for relatives | Who may receive a photo? Should we ask before forwarding it? |
| Social media and my children | What may be posted, if anything? Which photos and details of my family stay private? |
You don’t have to offer photos of your children as part of keeping the intended parents involved. A private account still leaves room for someone to take a screenshot3. I’d settle the sharing question before sending a photo you wouldn’t want passed around. For conversations with your own children, see surrogacy and your children.
Which appointments and medical expectations should we discuss now?
Talk about the visits they hope to attend and how you’ll share updates, while keeping decisions about your own medical care with you.
Wanting to be present can come from excitement, worry or both. Start with what they’re hoping to experience, then explain what fits around your appointments and daily life. A routine visit may happen during your workday. An important scan may need more planning. A standard pregnancy ultrasound is usually done at 18–22 weeks4. Use that as a prompt to discuss a major milestone, while your own clinician sets your schedule.
Being involved and making your medical decisions are different things. You are the person who gives consent for your medical care, from embryo transfer through pregnancy, birth and aftercare5. Pregnancy does not remove the need for your informed consent6. You can care about what the intended parents hope for and still ask questions about what a proposed plan means for your body.
Any important differences about pregnancy care and difficult pregnancy decisions need a professional conversation together before treatment1. Your clinical team explains medical options; your lawyer explains the proposed contract and what happens if plans change after signing. I wouldn’t try to settle those questions by promising something during a friendly video call. Bring the points you want explained to your legal conversation before clearance.
If they have hopes about food or travel, hear what they mean without turning their preferences into instructions for your care.
A coordinator can help arrange another conversation or send a question to the right person. That help doesn’t take the place of advice from your clinician or lawyer. If medical news comes in, talk about how everyone will hear it without leaving you to repeat a worrying update in several separate chats.
For birth, share who helps you feel supported and what company you’d want in the room. You can work through the details in your birth plan; hospital delivery covers what to arrange with the hospital. You can say what you hope for now and return to the details as birth gets closer.
How will this fit around my children, work and recovery?
Tell them what support you need around school pickup, work, travel and recovery, and ask how they picture those days working.
“We have help at home” can mean very different things. Your neighbor might watch your youngest after school but need someone else to take over before dinner. Your partner may be able to take a few days off, then need to return to work. I would describe one ordinary appointment day: who’s with your children, who can drive you, and what happens if the appointment runs late. Your partner’s concerns, your children’s needs and the practical demands on your family belong in the counseling conversation too1.
Share how much involvement from your partner and children would feel comfortable. They don’t have to be part of every call. The intended parents can tell you what they hope for, and you can hear where that fits with your family’s own needs.
If travel is likely, explain what you can manage around work and childcare. Willingness to travel is one of the practical points to align when considering a match7. For a faraway match, talk about how much time together feels realistic, including at appointments and birth2. Then bring the actual trip, time away and childcare needs to the coordinator, so the arrangements can be worked out rather than left at “we’ll figure it out.”
With LittleBee, approved transport, time off work, childcare and household-help expenses are reimbursed through the trust under your agreement, with receipts or the required records. If your clinician restricts your activity, our team helps coordinate childcare and household help. Talk through your needs before assuming a particular cost is included.
After birth, you may want help getting your own children fed, making follow-up visits or managing a change in recovery plans. Postpartum support gives you the fuller questions to ask before delivery.
For money questions, use base compensation, payment timing, escrow and insurance review, then bring your own arrangements to the people handling them.
What should I do after we hang up?
Write down what felt comfortable and what is still unclear before deciding whether to continue, ask for time, talk again or decline.
You don’t have to answer while you’re still smiling at the screen. I’d make two short notes: what I liked, and what I need to ask next. Notice how they responded when you explained a need. Disagreement can be normal; how you work through it tells you more than having identical preferences. Professional help can give both sides a place to clarify expectations and work through difficult conversations2.
In early March, our team introduced Jasmine to an intended-parent couple whose profile seemed like a strong match. They hoped for regular updates, involvement in important appointments and contact after birth, and Jasmine wanted to understand what that meant day to day. A few days later, they had a video call and talked about communication, stress, medical news and who would be in the delivery room. When she asked what would happen if the original plan no longer worked, the intended parents said they would follow medical advice, talk things through calmly and involve the agency when needed. Jasmine asked for another day to think. The next afternoon, she said, “I feel comfortable moving forward.”
That extra day gave Jasmine time to consider the answers before choosing to continue. She didn’t have to prove she was keen by answering immediately. I would choose the next step based on what you still need, rather than on how well the call ended.
| My next answer | When it fits | What it gives me | What to keep in mind |
|---|---|---|---|
| I’d like to continue | The important answers feel clear and comfortable | A chance to take the next step together | A warm first call can still leave details to work through |
| I’d like a day to think | I want quiet time or a conversation with my family | Space to hear my own reaction | Time alone won’t answer an unclear question; ask for follow-up |
| Could we talk again? | Something specific is unclear, or I want my support person there | Another chance to understand each other | Name what you need to discuss so it gets answered |
| This doesn’t feel like the right match | An important need doesn’t fit, or I feel pushed after explaining it | Room to find a better fit | You’ll need to consider another match |
Moving forward should be a mutual decision7. If an answer leaves you uneasy, you can tell the coordinator privately what bothered you and what you’d like clarified. For how another introduction works, see surrogate matching.
Pay attention if someone keeps pressing after you explain a boundary, treats childcare as a nuisance or asks for a promise outside the contract. You can raise the concern without making anyone the villain. Wanting to avoid disappointing someone is a reason to take a breath, not to hide what you need. There is no prize for giving the fastest answer.
If you’re already preparing for a match call, bring your notes to your coordinator. If you’re still considering applying, tell me where you live and what you’d like to know through the LittleBee surrogate application. I handle initial application questions and can explain the next step. You can also browse For Surrogates.
References
- Recommendations for practices using gestational carriers: a committee opinion (2022) — asrm.org, 2022
- Navigating Surrogacy Relationships: How Mental Health Professionals Support Intended Parents and Carriers — seleni.org, accessed 2026-10-10
- Sharenting: 5 Questions to Ask Before You Post — healthychildren.org, 2019-11-20
- Ultrasound Exams — acog.org, accessed 2026-10-10
- Consideration of the gestational carrier: an Ethics Committee opinion (2023) — asrm.org, 2023
- Informed Consent and Shared Decision Making in Obstetrics and Gynecology — acog.org, 2021
- Standards of Ethical Conduct for SEEDS Member Agencies (2025 web edition; PDF footer ©2022) — seedsethics.org, accessed 2026-10-10
About the author: I’m Vivi, a Client Manager at LittleBee Surrogacy. I help with initial surrogate application questions. This guide draws on our team’s cases and the sources listed above. Last updated October 10, 2026.