Surrogate matching lets you and the intended parents decide whether to move forward together—you can decline a proposed match before signing the surrogacy agreement. With us at LittleBee, you have room to consider whether that match fits your life. Your children’s routine, your privacy, and your views about pregnancy belong in the conversation. You can be excited to help a family and still need an answer before saying yes.
How does a proposed match reach me?
You’ll usually review a proposed intended-parent profile and have a conversation before either side decides whether to move forward. Agencies commonly start with your preferences, exchange profiles, arrange a call if both sides are interested, and check with each of you afterward. Receiving a profile gives you someone to consider; it doesn’t mean you’ve agreed to carry for them.
At the start, describe the things a match would need to fit around: your work hours, your children’s schedules, travel you could manage, and the kind of relationship you’d like. The intended parents have expectations too. Matching means comparing those expectations, not choosing a family solely because they’re ready to begin. Both of you need a say in the choice, and both sets of preferences matter.1
The usual introduction looks like this:
- Discuss your preferences. Say what you can manage and what would make an arrangement difficult at home.
- Read the proposed profile. Note what interests you and what you still need to understand.
- Decide whether to meet. A call gives both sides a chance to ask questions about those expectations.
- Give your own answer afterward. Tell the coordinator whether you’d like to continue, need clarification, or want to decline.
Let us know what you’re comfortable learning about the intended parents. We’ll share their information within the limits you agree to. Also ask what from your own profile would be shown to the intended parents before you agree to share it. I want your preferences to include the ordinary parts of your week, because those are the parts a pregnancy will touch.
Some clinic record review may happen before the introduction; other clinic steps may follow mutual interest. Confirm where you are in the surrogacy screening process so you know which appointments still lie ahead.
What needs to fit before I say yes?
Before saying yes, compare your expectations about contact, appointments, privacy, life after birth, and the major medical decisions that could arise. Start with what those expectations would mean at home: whether you can answer messages during work, who picks up your children, and how much travel you can arrange. These are practical parts of compatibility, alongside your views about pregnancy.2
Talk about an ordinary week. Would you both prefer regular messages, a scheduled call, or updates around appointments? If the intended parents live overseas, compare the hours when each household is awake and available. A reply the next morning may simply reflect the time difference. Agree on how you’ll share routine updates and how an urgent concern will reach the right person.
Be specific about attendance and privacy. “We’d love to be involved” could mean joining an important ultrasound or hoping to attend every possible appointment. Ask which visits matter to them and explain what works for you. Discuss travel, time away from work, childcare, and practical help. Include who you would want at the hospital, what privacy you need during appointments, and whether photos may be shared privately or posted publicly. Ask how pregnancy updates and medical information would be shared with the intended parents, and what consent you would be asked to give. Discuss financial needs that affect your household, such as missed work or travel, and ask which costs the proposed arrangement would cover. You should understand what you’re being asked to make room for.
Name the medical topics plainly. Discuss how many embryos are planned for each transfer, how each of you feels about a multiple pregnancy, and your views on prenatal testing. If a test finds a possible problem, what would each person want to discuss with the medical team? Include views about reducing the number of fetuses in a multiple pregnancy and ending a pregnancy. ASRM includes embryo number, prenatal testing, multifetal reduction, and termination in its recommended joint counseling topics, and identifies conflicting expectations as reasons an arrangement may not be suitable.2
You are discussing whether your views can fit together. Your fertility team explains the proposed treatment and medical options. Put the expectations you discuss here on your list for the surrogacy agreement. You don’t have to predict every pregnancy event in a video call. An important disagreement needs an honest conversation before you move forward.
Check the legal fit early. Tell the coordinator where you and the intended parents live, and whether either side is married. Ask how the relevant states or countries affect the proposed arrangement before you commit.12
Look beyond delivery. Ask what contact each side hopes for after birth: occasional updates, ongoing conversation, or a relationship that becomes quieter. Research on surrogacy relationships describes differences in expectations about continuing contact; a warm first meeting doesn’t tell you what either person will want later.3 Also discuss whether they hope you’ll pump breast milk and whether you would be willing to try.2
I would rather hear what would be difficult for your family now than have you agree to something you already know you can’t manage. You can care about their hopes while being clear about your own limits.
How long does surrogate matching take?
For a surrogate waiting for an introduction, the wait may be weeks or months after an agency starts looking. Public surrogate-application processes begin that search either during admissions or after preliminary screening. Ask what starts the estimate for you and whether it ends at an introduction or a later step. Some clinics use “official match” for a later point, after clinical review and a signed agreement.4
That difference matters if you’re comparing someone else’s wait with your own. “Matched quickly” might describe an introduction, while another person is counting through a much later step. Ask whether the estimate covers receiving a profile, having the video call, both people saying yes, or completing the professional steps afterward. None of those dates tells you, by itself, when you’ll be ready for transfer.
Your availability and the intended parents’ plans also need to fit. Incompatible treatment timelines and communication expectations can make an arrangement unsuitable.2 A family ready to start immediately may not fit the school break or work schedule you need to arrange. The preferences that matter to both sides are part of the matching decision.1
When the wait feels vague, ask the coordinator: “What are we waiting for right now, and who takes the next step?” You may be waiting for a proposed profile, a clinic’s record review, the intended parents’ response, a call time, or each person’s decision. Ask when you’ll hear an update, even if the next step has no confirmed date.
If you’ve received a profile, also ask whether it’s still available to consider, when your response is needed, and what you’ve agreed to so far. That gives you something concrete to plan around. I wouldn’t want you holding your family’s calendar open because you understood an introduction to be a treatment date.
What happens on our first video call?
Your first video call is a two-way conversation: you meet the intended parents, ask about what matters to you, and hear what they hope for. You can introduce your family, where you live, your work, and what brought you to surrogacy. They should have room to share their story too. The aim is to understand one another well enough to consider the match.
Before the call, confirm who will attend and whether a support person can join. If the coordinator will be there, ask whether they will guide the discussion or mainly listen. Check the platform and choose a time when you have some privacy and can manage your children’s needs. Keep a short note beside you so the questions you care about survive first-meeting nerves.
Choose four questions from the expectations above, such as:
- How often would you like us to communicate, and what would that look like across our time zones?
- Which appointments would you hope to attend, and how would we handle privacy and photos?
- Do we understand each other’s views on the medical topics above?
- What relationship would you hope for after the birth?
The introductory call and the professional joint counseling recommended before treatment are separate meetings.2
Use the fuller questions to ask intended parents to choose what matters most to you, including recovery support, coordinator help, and anything that would make you pause. Listen between questions. If “we’re flexible” leaves you unsure, ask for an example involving the situation you actually need to arrange. To check an important answer, say what you understood in your own words and ask them to confirm or correct it.5
First-call nerves can make your own questions disappear, even when you’ve prepared what to say. Ana was afraid the intended parents might judge where she lived, the work she did, or how she spoke. She rehearsed her reasons for wanting to become a surrogate. Everyone was warm when the call started. She managed to answer all their questions, but when the coordinator invited hers, she couldn’t think of any.
Afterward, Ana thought of what she had wanted to ask: how appointments would fit around school pickup, how much privacy she would have at visits, and whether daily photos were expected. They arranged another brief call. Having a say in the choice helped her feel more confident. If something important comes back to you afterward, put it into a follow-up question before giving your answer.
For an international meeting, we arrange video conversations across time zones and provide Chinese–English interpretation when needed. Afterward, we provide a bilingual written summary. Tell us before the call if you need language help. During it, ask to slow down or explain an answer again if you haven’t understood. Check the summary for what you agreed, what remains open, and whom to contact with a follow-up question.5 I care about whether you understand each other; polished English isn’t the point.
A language difference doesn’t tell you how much contact someone wants. Ask about their own preferences, including the channel you’ll use for updates. The details of communicating during the pregnancy can develop from that conversation.
Can I say no—or ask for another conversation?
Yes—you can decline a proposed match before signing the surrogacy agreement, or ask for clarification before deciding. Matching requires a decision from both sides.1 With us, you can consider the match independently, without pressure to give a yes.
A kind family may still want a relationship, schedule, or level of involvement that doesn’t fit your life. You don’t have to agree out of sympathy for what they’ve been through. An arrangement shouldn’t proceed when important goals conflict or your independence isn’t respected.6
The next step depends on what is making you hesitate:
| Your situation | What to consider | What you gain | What it may cost |
|---|---|---|---|
| An unclear answer or first-call nerves | Ask for clarification or another conversation | A decision based on better understanding | More scheduling and time |
| An important expectation doesn’t fit | Decline the proposed match | Keep a boundary your family or values need | A further search and possibly more waiting |
| The important answers are clear and you want to continue | Confirm your interest | Move toward the next professional steps | Time for remaining visits, legal review, and agreed communication |
A second conversation makes sense when a specific answer could change your decision. Say which question remains open so the next call has a purpose. If the answer is already clear and conflicts with something essential to you, another friendly conversation may leave the same mismatch in place. I would take that concern seriously before treating a good conversation as a reason to say yes.
After the call, consider whether they understood what matters to you and whether you felt comfortable asking a hard question. Were your children, work, and privacy respected? Which answer needs a clinician or lawyer? Notice any pressure to decide immediately, and what is still on your mind the next morning. If your questions are dismissed or you’re rushed toward a yes, pause and tell the coordinator what concerns you.
You can give that answer privately: “Thank you for arranging the introduction. Their expectations about appointment attendance don’t fit what I can manage, so I’d like to decline.” You can also name an unresolved question and ask what help is available to clarify it.
If you decline, ask what happens before another introduction, whether any fee rule applies to your situation, and whether your place in the matching process changes. If you change your mind before signing, tell the coordinator promptly so both sides know where things stand.
What happens after we both say yes?
After you both say yes, you still need the clinical and legal steps that prepare you for treatment. Mutual interest is a matching decision; it doesn’t replace medical review or informed consent.2
Ask the coordinator which steps you have completed and what is being arranged next. Your clinic explains the proposed treatment and your medical screening and clearance. Your own lawyer represents you separately from the intended parents and helps you understand the agreement, including your rights and obligations, before you sign.1 If anyone discourages you from getting that separate advice, pause and tell the coordinator.
Leave the detailed legal wording, compensation terms, and escrow arrangements for the contract and legal-clearance process. Insurance questions need the insurance review before you rely on a policy to cover a surrogacy pregnancy. Your introductory conversation helps identify expectations; these professionals help explain the arrangements you’ll actually be entering.
Before treatment, ASRM recommends a completed surrogacy agreement, a legal-clearance letter, and the relevant informed-consent documents.2 Wait for your clinic’s instructions before starting medication or scheduling a transfer. Once appointments are confirmed, you can work out the childcare, transportation, and work arrangements for those dates.
If doubts or a major change arise after signing or after treatment begins, get in touch with your lawyer and clinical team promptly. They’ll explain your options and obligations at that stage.6
If you’re considering surrogacy, start your LittleBee surrogate application and tell us about your family, work, and what you’d need a match to fit around. Our team can explain the next application step and help you talk through your preferences. You can also browse our For Surrogates articles and Surrogacy Process articles for the steps ahead.
References
- Standards of Ethical Conduct for SEEDS Member Agencies — seedsethics.org
- Recommendations for practices using gestational carriers: a committee opinion (2022) — asrm.org, 2022
- Surrogacy relationships: a critical interpretative review — pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov, 2020-02-19
- Select a Gestational Carrier — nashvillefertility.com
- Recommendations | Shared decision making | Guidance — nice.org.uk, 2021-06-17
- Consideration of the gestational carrier: an Ethics Committee opinion (2023) — asrm.org, 2023
About this guide: I’m Vivi, a LittleBee client manager working with surrogate applicants. This guide draws on our case material and the professional sources listed above. Reviewed October 9, 2026.