Questions to Ask Intended Parents Before You Match

Before you accept intended parents, ask questions that show how the relationship will work when life is not easy. Talk about communication, appointments, privacy, family responsibilities, medical decisions, travel, birth, postpartum contact, and how disagreements will be handled.

You do not need to ask 30 questions in one call. Choose the five answers you cannot compromise on, listen for respect and flexibility, and follow up on anything vague.

Surrogate reviewing intended parent match questions with a coordinator
The goal is not to find identical people. It is to learn whether differences can be discussed with respect.

Camila liked them—and still needed one clear boundary

Camila’s match call felt easy. The intended parents were warm and asked about her children. They said they wanted to be “very involved.”

Camila almost answered, “That sounds great.” Instead, she asked what “very involved” meant. They hoped to attend most appointments and receive frequent photos. Camila was happy to share major milestones, but she wanted routine visits to stay private and did not want her children’s photos posted online.

No one was wrong. The important moment was how they responded. They asked what would make Camila comfortable and agreed to use one group thread for medical updates. That response told her more than a perfect profile could.

Start with these five questions

  1. How often do you hope we will communicate?
  2. Which appointments would you most like to attend?
  3. How do you usually handle fear, disappointment, or a change in plan?
  4. What privacy do you expect for photos, health updates, and social media?
  5. What relationship do you hope to have during pregnancy and after birth?

Do not accept only broad answers such as “We are flexible” or “We will support you.” Ask for an example. “What would support look like if an appointment changed and I needed childcare?” gives you information you can use.

Questions about communication and privacy

  • Do you prefer text, phone, video, email, or a coordinator group chat?
  • What response time feels normal for routine messages?
  • What situation should be treated as urgent?
  • May either side share photos or updates with relatives?
  • May anything be posted online?
  • Will professional language support be available when needed?

Questions about appointments, birth, and family life

  • Which appointments are most important for you to attend?
  • How will updates be shared when you cannot attend?
  • How do you picture the hospital room and visitors?
  • How will travel, childcare, and missed work be coordinated?
  • How much do you want to know about my partner and children?
  • What postpartum contact feels meaningful to you?

Questions that belong with professionals

You may discuss values with intended parents, but neither side should privately settle medical care, legal rights, insurance, escrow, or compensation. Ask who will answer each question:

  • The treating clinician explains medical care and risk.
  • Your independent attorney explains your legal rights and contract.
  • The intended parents’ attorney advises them.
  • Insurance and escrow professionals explain their processes.
  • The coordinator organizes communication and next steps.

ASRM emphasizes autonomy, informed consent, and independent legal support for gestational carriers.1

How to tell a difference from a red flag

A difference: they want more updates than you do, but they listen and can agree on a rhythm. A question: they are unsure what insurance covers and agree to ask the professional. A red flag: they pressure you to accept, dismiss your family needs, ask for promises outside the contract, or try to control medical decisions.

After the call, do not decide from the feeling alone

  1. Write down what felt easy and what made you tense.
  2. List answers you understood differently from them.
  3. Send unresolved questions through the coordinator.
  4. Ask for a second call if a major issue remains.
  5. Take time away from the call before saying yes.

Common questions, answered

Do I need to ask every question?

No. Ask your five nonnegotiable questions and use follow-ups. A real conversation is more useful than reading a long script.

Can I decline a family I like?

Yes, before a legal commitment. Kind people can still have needs or expectations that do not fit your life.

What if I remember a question the next day?

Send it through the coordinator. A thoughtful match process should expect follow-up, not reward the fastest answer.

The best answer is often how they answer

Camila learned that the intended parents could hear a boundary without taking it as rejection. That was the fit she needed. Continue with the first match call guide and how matching works.

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